October 4, 2023
9:36 am
I’ve tried to write about this topic a couple of times now, but have struggled trying to get my message across. So, I want to start with an excerpt from one of Olivia Rodrigo’s new songs:
And I try to be tough, but I wanna scream
How could anybody do the things you did so easily?
And I say I don't care, I say that I'm fine
But you know I can't let it go, I've tried, I've tried, I've tried for so long
It takes strength to forgive, but I don't feel strong
-Olivia Rodrigo, The Grudge
Have you ever felt like this? Like you can’t get over the past or what was done to you. You tell yourself you don’t care, and you tell others you’re fine, but you just can’t seem to muster up the strength to forgive and forget. I know I’ve been there.
I want you to stop for a second and think about a grudge that you’re holding. Think of that person who broke your trust, or who let you down one too many times. How do you feel? You might feel your muscles start to tense up, or your breathing becoming shallow. Last week, I wrote a speech on why people should choose forgiveness, and while I stood by my thesis from the start, my research was eye-opening. The tense muscles and increased heart rate you might be experiencing when thinking about your grudge is the same reaction your body has when it’s under stress. In an article by The Johns Hopkins Medicine, Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic, explains that the chronic anger we feel when holding grudges “puts you into fight-or-flight mode.” This mode causes changes in heart rate, immune response, and blood pressure.
Now, these are the ways holding grudges affects your body, but I also want to look at how carrying such anger affects your mind. When you hold a grudge against someone, you are essentially giving them the power to control how you think and feel. Forgiving them not only helps you take that power back, but it also allows you to forgive yourself. Sometimes when holding onto a grudge, you’re subconsciously blaming yourself for what you have allowed someone to do to you. This brings me back to the one real grudge I have held in my life. I had a “friend.” I’m not going to get into the nitty-gritty, but let’s just say there was boy drama. The bottom line is that I genuinely believe I was a good friend to her, and I didn’t feel like her actions reciprocated that. At the time (and for many years following) it made me upset, and slightly angry, just thinking about the situation. But, I’m over it.
So, why did I hold onto that grudge for so long? Why did I insist I’d never speak to her again? Well, the same reason we all do. We want to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. To that, I’ll say this: You can still protect yourself by letting go of that grudge and choosing forgiveness. Now, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting, and it definitely doesn’t mean excusing any wrongdoings. Forgiveness is defined as “to cease to feel resentment against [an offender].” It’s the idea of letting go of those deep-rooted feelings of anger that you’ve been holding on to. Those deep-rooted feelings have been controlling your life, body, and mind whether you’re aware of it or not. There’s something to be said about letting go and moving on.
This isn’t a spiel on how to be the bigger person. This is a spiel to encourage you to open your eyes to the subconscious effects that holding a grudge has on your mind and body. Try to remember my Kitchen Question Of The Week: Would you rather live with a grudge dragging you down all the time, or forgive and forget to ensure a lifetime of peace?
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