"Drifting through the days
Without a care in our minds,
Leavin' all our worries
And our troubles behind..."
For years on end, I tried to find anyone and anything to blame for losing my way—for losing my spark, my grace. Rather than try to understand where things began to take a turn, I avoided accountability for any part of it. And the truth is, my spark began to wither as I started to put others’ opinions and values ahead of mine. Whether it was trying to please young love or allowing myself to be overpowered by the good ole thought of FOMO, my spark gradually burned out. The fact of the matter is that the best thing we can do for our own happiness is just not care. Figure out what captivates you, and run with it, no matter what anyone else is doing.
Following my semester abroad in London, I gained some clarity in regard to what ignited my spark: adventure, authenticity, and impact. With this clarity though, I found myself in a bit of a predicament— one that felt quite familiar. Bottom line, I needed summer work, for my sanity and that of my bank account. However, for weeks, I felt this push and pull between my parents’ opinion and my own intuition/desire. On one end, my parents wanted me to return to serving because that’s where the money is at; on the other end, I felt inclined to have what I called a “summeresque” job (literally meaning I wanted to be in the sun as much as possible). At one point, I even suggested to my dad that I go pick grapes in Italy. That seemed a bit far-fetched, so I landed at the next best thing… camp. In the end, I determined that I would not only be the happiest version of myself, but also be breaking new ground in trusting myself if I followed my intuition, my desires, and my spark. I mean, what screams adventure, authenticity, and impact more than summer camp?
Every day for the past five weeks, I lived as my unique self— unbothered by the opinions of others. I didn’t overthink whether I posted in a certain outfit before or whether I’ve had this specific swimsuit for three years now. I just didn’t care. Every day for the past five weeks, I built genuine connections with an array of people, even those who are quite different than me. I had good old-fashioned fun— barefoot in the grass, sharing contagious laughter with some of my best friends.
As Becca VanDerbeck says, “Thank god for the memories in the summertime.”
The irony here lies in the fact that when my spark first began to wither in high school was exactly the time I chose to put this same summer camp on the back burner. And, for what? For a boy? For parties? For likeness? I don’t honestly know, but I do know that I don’t ever want to lose my carefree, confident self again. It is important to note that summer camp wasn’t the end all be all for the smoke to take over. However, after experience and reflection, I understand that losing camp, for me, also meant losing the values it encompasses— a big factor in my so-called “downward spiral.” From here on out, I can always reference this past summer (i.e. the activities I’ve partaken in, the kinds of people I surrounded myself with, etc.) as I continue to build a life that I love to live.
Summertime on repeat. Even in the Winter.
Written August 2, 2023
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