Avoidance can temporarily relieve stress, but in the long run, it causes more harm than good. It does not help you grow; in fact, it leaves you stagnant. As I share about my experience, I encourage you to reflect on where you may be avoiding in your own life.
Therapy can be a controversial topic. There are supporters, who believe in the gradual process of understanding your thoughts, feelings, and actions. And there are adversaries, who don’t believe in the process or fear what they may discover. No shame to the latter; I used to be them. In fact, I could argue that up until last week, I felt unsure about the impact of therapy. I wondered whether I was making any progress… or if it was worth the stack I dropped on each session. Come to find out in last week’s conversation, my therapist believes that I gained a considerable amount of confidence over the last year. And yet, she continues to push me to grow. Now, this isn’t a piece on whether or not you should go to therapy, so don’t run yet. Rather, I wanted to share this particular insight from my last session. My therapist asked me, “Are you avoiding where you should be approaching?”
You could call this thought homework, as she left me to ponder the question all on my own. However, it spurs so much reflection that I think I am okay with the extra assignment. To give you some context, my therapist used this question in relation to romantic relationships. As I tried to convince her of the fact that I am content on my own right now (and too busy for a man at that), she flipped the script. She looked at it from the side of, if that is the case, maybe this is the time to approach the dating scene. Maybe. Or, maybe not. If I don’t want to, I don’t have to; it only becomes an issue if I am avoiding it, consciously or subconsciously. When she asked me this question, I immediately shut it down in the fact that I didn’t believe I was avoiding it at all. But, after giving it more thought, and taking an attachment-style quiz or two, I realized that maybe a part of me is avoiding it. This avoidance comes down to vulnerability in close relationships altogether, not solely in romantic relationships.
So, why do I hesitate to let my walls down? Well, it’s hard to be unapologetically yourself, let alone share your deepest hardships and mishaps. People come and go. Life ebbs and flows. It’s normal to be fearful that someone, whether it be a friend, or whomever, may not always be there—or may not always be on your side—especially when you’ve had experiences to prove it. However, you should not let this deter you from pursuing other relationships. You should not let this deter you from putting yourself out there. You never know what can come of something. I like to think of it this way, “what is the worst that could happen?” Most of the time, even the worst isn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things. So, live your life. Don’t avoid it.
I know that I’ve explained this in terms of relationships, but I want to make sure you understand that this question goes beyond just that. For instance, I know for a fact that I also avoid confrontation. No matter if it is an issue at work or an argument with family/friends, I will 100% avoid it. The problem is that 99% of these issues don’t get solved on their own. You must approach the situation head-on. You may avoid a hard conversation or a challenging relationship, but avoidance does not help you grow. In fact, avoidance leaves you stagnant. It will be hard at first, but practice makes perfect. Try to remember to ask yourself, “Are you avoiding where you should be approaching?”
Drafted 27 September 2023
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