October 1, 2023
4:33 pm
As I’ve mentioned previously, I broke up with my boyfriend… Well, a year ago.
It was time. We fought, kept score, and just really didn’t get along. With all that being said, I must confess something. I saw him this weekend…
Now, this totally contradicts The Breakup Guide, but what can I say, I’m only human. Long story short, I visited my old college town for one night to pick up my cat, but that’s a story for another time. Truth is, I only broke the rules because I was confident in the fact that I wouldn’t fall into that toxic cycle again. Just two old friends catching up. Of course, my friends had their opinions on this, but I enforced the idea that I was in a good headspace to see him. I felt in control. And we did have a great time, but it just reinforced what I already knew. It was never gonna work.
With a ten-hour car ride the next day, I had ample time to ponder the question, “Why did you try so long to make it work?” I had spent so many years, and so many tears, trying to change him—and myself—in hopes of fixing the crumbling relationship. Why couldn’t I see that it was not possible? I was listening to a lot of podcasts on my long drive, and I kept hearing the word “delusional” pop up. I had always thought that was an extremely offensive word, but I never knew the true definition. In terms of psychiatry, the word is defined as “maintaining fixed false beliefs even when confronted with facts.” I truly believed that I had the power to change him and make the relationship work even though I had years and years of experiences that proved otherwise. Delusional.
So, how’d I get here? How can I see things so clearly now, but seemingly had blinders on for so many years? Well, first of all, a lot of therapy had to happen. Not only did I have to be open and honest with my therapist, but I had to accept what she had to say. I was in therapy for more than half of the relationship, but I wasn’t progressing. Now that I think about it, I was actually regressing. I was withholding the full truth, and on top of that, ignoring her advice. When I moved away from home, I really started utilizing therapy because I could separate myself from the situation. This said move is the next way I got to this headspace. Distancing yourself and removing yourself from a “toxic bubble” allows you to see things more clearly. But, you have to take your blinders off to gain perspective. And if you’re anything like me, you will probably look back at it and just think, “What the f*ck was that?”
Now, my point here is not to bash my ex. I have lots of love for him and want more than anything for him to have a life filled with joy. I just know it can’t be with me. Yes, it took me a long time to admit that, but I’m proud that I finally did… and that’s on growth. I think the moral of the story is when you’re wrapped up in toxicity it’s hard to break the cycle, but if you distance yourself, and allow yourself to reflect, there is clarity on the other side. You just have to let yourself see it.
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