I quit my job, and then I nearly had a panic attack.
To get right down to it, the uncertainty of the future terrifies me. I don’t know what I want to do after college. My mind jumps from volunteering in a third-world country, to living on island time, to working my way up the ladder in a well-established company. I just don’t know. But, that’s a story for another time. The fact of the matter is that money plays a large factor in my fear (yes, here we go again). In reality, everything boils down to money. That’s just life. We need income to support our livelihood, no matter which life path we choose to take. Considering My Mind and Money, I especially fear the zeros in my bank account. And, no, not the good kind. That scares me shitless, and that my friends, is where the panic attacks come in.
For some context, I moved into school in mid-August, and I began the job search. After being abroad for a semester and spending the summer at camp, I needed to get back to work. At least, my scarcity mindset said so. I’ll admit that I might’ve been a little bit too optimistic expecting an array of jobs to be available the week before school starts, but as I recently wrote, I have a bit of an avoidance problem. I was in the routine of living on a whim for eight months, hoping things would fall into place as they had so far this year. Nonetheless, my financial anxiety grew too heavy, and I accepted the first job that presented itself. Simply put, I should have explored my options further before accepting the offer because things did not pan out as expected. Waking up on the brink of tears the morning after a shift, I knew it was time to have the conversation. I won’t get into the nitty gritty, but let’s just say the gig was not worth giving up quality time in my senior year of college. So, I quit.
Now, let’s get back to post-grad. Say I decide I want to use the scraps of my savings to buy a one-way ticket back across the pond. Well, I have to have those scraps to do so. With that said, when an opportunity presents itself right now, I shut down. Why? I don’t have an income. My mind goes straight to the what-ifs. What if I don’t have the money to travel after graduation? What if I don’t have the money to relocate to a big city? These what-ifs run circles around my mind… especially since quitting my job.
Although unexpected, both good and bad have come out of the situation. Generally speaking, I feel less overwhelmed because of the increase in freedom. I can join my roommates in pickleball more often. I can go for a late-night stroll to Sparky’s Ice Cream. I can go on joyrides to Target. I can savor the little moments of my senior year, living carefree with my best friends, without overwhelming anxiety. On the other hand, I still stress out about the idea of being unemployed. Because I don’t know what I want to do post-grad, and because I want to take on more life opportunities, the uncertainty of my bank account frightens me.
We all know those cliche sayings: it goes by in the blink of an eye; savor every moment; this is where you meet your future bridesmaids. Although I can’t always put the words into action, I believe it more and more nowadays. To be quite frank, I don’t know where life will take me after graduation, but I know I don’t want to regret missing out on the little things for a part-time service job. In the past few weeks of being unemployed, I’ve felt a weight lifted off my shoulders and embraced the value of the time I have right now. I live in the now, and I love it. I guess what I am trying to say is that you should take the opportunities if feasible today. Worry less about the future because the money will come back… at least that is what everyone is telling me.
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