August 7, 2023
2:17pm
Fine, if you must know, I have a bit of an avoidance problem. I hadn’t really been able to identify exactly what the problem was until about fifteen minutes ago, but I’m pretty certain that’s it.
I just had a really good phone call with my therapist, where I told her some hard truths. I confessed to her that while I was at camp for the last four weeks, I started spiraling (visit the Bedroom to read Spiral Mountain). My grades were slipping as they had in the past, I wasn’t taking my medicine regularly, and I wasn’t keeping my space clean. In fact, it was a complete mess. I’ve spiraled like this before, one too many times, but this time was especially disappointing. I’ve grown too much to let myself fall behind again.
Like I’ve said in previous entries, I’ve spent the last year pulling myself out of a dark place, and am on a journey to improve my confidence in all aspects of my life. In the past when things would get hard, whether it be in my relationships, at school, or really wherever, my first instinct was to sweep everything under the rug and try to carry on—to avoid it. I avoided major red flags in my relationship, keeping me in a toxic cycle that lasted years. I avoided school when I was overwhelmed with work, and paying bills. I would even subconsciously avoid things and people in my life that made me happy, just because I wasn’t. I guess I’m realizing while writing this, avoidance was the only coping skill I had at the time.
But the times have changed. I’ve worked too hard on myself in this past year not letting old habits resurface, and learning new ways to cope. On my last call, I kept voicing to my therapist that “I’m so disappointed in myself,” and that “I need to stop sweeping my problems under the rug.” To that, she said something interesting. She told me I needed to throw every rug I own in the trash. Now, she’s given me some good advice, but that piece may take the cake.
So, the coping skills that are taking the place of said avoidance are the ability to self-reflect and to change things within my control. Formerly, I just kind of accepted the state I had fallen into. I thought that I was just a person that had a messy room and a bad relationship. I was in the mindset that all of those things were happening to me when rather I was actively choosing to avoid the problem.
I’ve recently accepted that I, and only I, have complete control of who I am, and of who I am going to be. I can be an A+ student like I was when I was younger. I can be the “clean queen” I told myself I wasn’t, but I can’t be any of this without understanding that growth is a journey. There’s going to be slip-ups. We’re only human. It’s what we choose to do during those times that dictate the trajectory of our journey. I don’t have it all figured out right now, but I am actively trying, not avoiding it.
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